7 Steps to Having Quality Communication with Your Children

By Dylan Dillinger Life Coach

We all have difficulties with effective communication. One of the most difficult barriers to communication can happen with the ones we love the most: our kids. It’s quite frustrating when you have difficulty connecting with each other - especially about the things that really matter!

Successful and efficient communication not only enables you to understand one another, but it can significantly strengthen the bond between you and your child. Who wouldn’t want this for their kids, or in any relationship for that matter?

Luckily, there are 7 simple steps you can use now to strengthen your communication.

Following these tips can make communicating with your children easier:

1.    Keep an open door policy. Your children will be much more open to talking with you if you make it clear that you’re willing to truly listen to them. Adopting an open door policy means that you are never too busy or stressed to deal with their issues. Sometimes important things are happening in your children’s and your own life simultaneously. Setting aside your own problems and listening fully to what is happening in your kid’s life can be invaluable for their mental health and will strengthen your relationship at the same time. Children need the security of knowing they can come to you with any issue and feel confident that when they do you are willing to listen and talk when they need you to.

2.    Listen first. If you make an effort listen to your child without interrupting, it shows them that you care what they think, and they’ll even share more with you if you stay quiet after it seems like they are done. Sometimes, your kids may simply need to vent to you or talk about their thoughts out loud. There will be other times when they may want feedback or advice, but you’ll need to listen first to determine which role they are looking for you to fulfill.

3.    Ask questions. Questions demonstrate to your children that you’re paying full attention and that you genuinely care. Ask appropriate questions that are relevant to the conversation at hand. Ask open questions to spark more conversation, asking questions that are easily answered with yes or no result in a boring, one-sided talk Avoid stumping your kids the best you can. It is very important to avoid questions that will make them feel hurt or result in them taking a defensive stance.

4.    Use easy conversations to strengthen your bond. In some conversations, you don’t have to offer advice and it is best to refrain from doing so unless you are explicitly asked to. Your children may simply want to talk and discuss their day, and scheduling a specific time (ex. right after school) to do so will undoubtedly improve your communication with them. You will often find that your kids may want to solve some issues on their own without your interference. Allowing them to do so will increase their independence as well as improving the quality of your bond.  It’s important to use communication to build your relationship with your child, and participating in sharing-only conversations will definitely help.

5.    Use positive language. Even the language you choose to use during a talk with your children can significantly affect them. Even younger children can notice when you’re being sarcastic and mean. Kids can tell if you’re being negative or uninterested. The good news is that they can also tell when you’re being loving and kind. Although it seems simple, the vocabulary and tone you adopt can affect the entire conversation and the direction it will head. The way you react to your child’s words can show them that you care or leave the impression that you do not care. It’s crucial to use positive language with your kids and show them that the words we choose are powerful and matter.

6.    Avoid anger. There is always the possibility your child will share information that makes you angry. Anger can bring a conversation to a grinding halt and lead to an instant fight. Anger can cause your children to fear talking to you, making them less inclined to tell you things that they really want to talk about. The most effective way to transform your communication is keeping your anger in check. Your anger shows your children that you’re emotional, causes them to share less and they may even avoid being around you.

7.    Give children space. Pressuring your children into talking to you will often backfire. Avoid making your kids feel that they need to share every single second of their day with you. There will be many times where children may need space, and in actuality, communication can improve by adopting this policy.
It is healthy for kids to have moderate room to develop on their own, allowing them to change and become the person they wish to be. As children grow so will their vocabulary and methods of communication. Your child may talk to you quite differently than they did a few months ago. The best advice comes from the tired cliché: Go with the flow!

You can make communication an easier, more effective process with your children. Practice these tips and as your communication grows, so too will your relationship with your kids.