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7 Steps to Having Quality Communication with Your Children

By Dylan Dillinger Life Coach

We all have difficulties with effective communication. One of the most difficult barriers to communication can happen with the ones we love the most: our kids. It’s quite frustrating when you have difficulty connecting with each other - especially about the things that really matter!

Successful and efficient communication not only enables you to understand one another, but it can significantly strengthen the bond between you and your child. Who wouldn’t want this for their kids, or in any relationship for that matter?

Luckily, there are 7 simple steps you can use now to strengthen your communication.

Following these tips can make communicating with your children easier:

1.    Keep an open door policy. Your children will be much more open to talking with you if you make it clear that you’re willing to truly listen to them. Adopting an open door policy means that you are never too busy or stressed to deal with their issues. Sometimes important things are happening in your children’s and your own life simultaneously. Setting aside your own problems and listening fully to what is happening in your kid’s life can be invaluable for their mental health and will strengthen your relationship at the same time. Children need the security of knowing they can come to you with any issue and feel confident that when they do you are willing to listen and talk when they need you to.

2.    Listen first. If you make an effort listen to your child without interrupting, it shows them that you care what they think, and they’ll even share more with you if you stay quiet after it seems like they are done. Sometimes, your kids may simply need to vent to you or talk about their thoughts out loud. There will be other times when they may want feedback or advice, but you’ll need to listen first to determine which role they are looking for you to fulfill.

3.    Ask questions. Questions demonstrate to your children that you’re paying full attention and that you genuinely care. Ask appropriate questions that are relevant to the conversation at hand. Ask open questions to spark more conversation, asking questions that are easily answered with yes or no result in a boring, one-sided talk Avoid stumping your kids the best you can. It is very important to avoid questions that will make them feel hurt or result in them taking a defensive stance.

4.    Use easy conversations to strengthen your bond. In some conversations, you don’t have to offer advice and it is best to refrain from doing so unless you are explicitly asked to. Your children may simply want to talk and discuss their day, and scheduling a specific time (ex. right after school) to do so will undoubtedly improve your communication with them. You will often find that your kids may want to solve some issues on their own without your interference. Allowing them to do so will increase their independence as well as improving the quality of your bond.  It’s important to use communication to build your relationship with your child, and participating in sharing-only conversations will definitely help.

5.    Use positive language. Even the language you choose to use during a talk with your children can significantly affect them. Even younger children can notice when you’re being sarcastic and mean. Kids can tell if you’re being negative or uninterested. The good news is that they can also tell when you’re being loving and kind. Although it seems simple, the vocabulary and tone you adopt can affect the entire conversation and the direction it will head. The way you react to your child’s words can show them that you care or leave the impression that you do not care. It’s crucial to use positive language with your kids and show them that the words we choose are powerful and matter.

6.    Avoid anger. There is always the possibility your child will share information that makes you angry. Anger can bring a conversation to a grinding halt and lead to an instant fight. Anger can cause your children to fear talking to you, making them less inclined to tell you things that they really want to talk about. The most effective way to transform your communication is keeping your anger in check. Your anger shows your children that you’re emotional, causes them to share less and they may even avoid being around you.

7.    Give children space. Pressuring your children into talking to you will often backfire. Avoid making your kids feel that they need to share every single second of their day with you. There will be many times where children may need space, and in actuality, communication can improve by adopting this policy.
It is healthy for kids to have moderate room to develop on their own, allowing them to change and become the person they wish to be. As children grow so will their vocabulary and methods of communication. Your child may talk to you quite differently than they did a few months ago. The best advice comes from the tired cliché: Go with the flow!

You can make communication an easier, more effective process with your children. Practice these tips and as your communication grows, so too will your relationship with your kids.

I thought his would be a great first post for this blog: The following is an assessment that I created as part of my coaching education. It is intended for parents of teenegers, please share it with anyone who may benefit. Request a printer friendly word document by emailing ddhealthcoach@gmail.com

Parent/Child Relationship Health Check

Find out how healthy your relationship is with your child and the key areas to focus on in order to improve it.

Below are 20 statements that are based upon an ideal, picture perfect parent/child relationship. These statements are designed based on healthy relationship research and the psychology of good communication skills. After completing this health check you will have a better idea of where your relationship stands as well as possible aspects to focus on during your coaching sessions.

There is no perfect relationship and if you get a perfect score it is very likely you are not being completely honest with yourself. All relationships take time and effort from both parties involved and simply taking the time to complete this assessment will raise your awareness of where your relationship stands at this exact moment. Coaching is the ideal method for improving parent and child relationships because it focuses on what you are experiencing in the present and how to move towards a stronger more effective future relationship.

Please complete all of the statements. Rate each item on a scale of 1-5. Please choose the number that best represents your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Choose how true each statement is for you at this very moment.

1                             2                             3                             4                             5

Less True                                                                                             More True

Statement                                                               Response

1.      I am 100% confident I am spending enough time with my child.
2.      I keep my commitments to my child every time.
3.      I never assume I know what my child is going through.
4.      I always allow my child to have space when they need it.
5.      I am always aware of when my child’s mood changes.
6.      I am never sarcastic or mean to my child.
7.      I always use positive language when I talk to my child.
8.      I answer every question my child asks honestly.
9.      My child knows that they can be honest with me.
10.  I never feel rushed while spending time with my child
11.  I always explain the reasons for my punishments.
12.  I always know the right questions to ask my child.
13.  Every time that I spend with my child is quality time.
14.  I never force my child to talk.
15.  I always let my child finish expressing their thoughts.
16.  I know all of the things that are important to my child.
17.  I know everyone that my child is friends with.
18.  I always have an open door policy with my child.
19.  My conversations with my child always end on a positive note.
20.  I always let my anger subside before punishing my child.
Total Score:

Score Interpretations

Total Score 95-100:

Either your relationship is in pristine health or you are not being perfectly honest with your answers. You are encouraged to retake the assessment, this time being meticulous and even critical of yourself when necessary.

Total Score: 70-94.

Your relationship with your child is in good health, but there is always room for improvement. Coaching may be beneficial for your relationship with your child or you may want to apply the coaching sessions to another aspect of your life in which you wish to see more personal growth. No parent is perfect, keep up the good work and always make time for your child when they need you.

Total Score: 45-69

Your relationship with your child is in fair health. You know what you should be doing the question is: how? Coaching is a powerful process that has the potential to greatly benefit your relationship with your child. Your coach will break down your relationship goals into simple weekly action steps. As long as you bring commitment and determination to your sessions you will surely notice improvement in your relationships and your life in general.

Total Score: 0-44

There is no way around it; your relationship with your child needs work. If you find it extremely difficult to have any conversation with your child and are consistently met with resistance, family therapy might be the best first step before coaching. You are not alone; there are many other parents in similar situations. If you are still intent on beginning a coaching agreement discuss it with your coach and you will decide together if that is the best choice.

Disclaimer: This assessment is not intended to provide a psychological or psychiatric diagnosis and your completion of the test does not indicate a professional counseling or coaching relationship with the creator or administrator of the test.

Assessment Developed by: Dylan Dillinger Life Coach

All Rights Reserved.